Posts Tagged ‘Donna Collins’

Be aware  the next time you go to dinner or have a drink with someone. You may just be telling them exactly how and what you feel without opening your mouth.

How? Body language. Let’s take your arms, for example. They are chatty little things.

Usually, I have to do something stupid to catch a guy’s eye. Then I flutter my eye lashes and curl my index finger towards him. Then, I get out the lasso and drag him towards me. Now, it appears I don’t have to consciously do anything! My arms will do it all for me. How cool is that?

So, how do we do these unconscious acts? I’ll tell you.

Touching Your Arm

So there you are, standing at the bar when a guy (or girl) approaches you. Then, while chatting, they touch your arm. And, just to be clear, were not talking about them wrestling it behind your back (like I often do before forcing said person into my trunk). No, I mean the more subtle way they accidentally brush their hand against yours.

What does it mean? Well, if they do this, then it means they like you and want your full attention.

Stroking Their Arm

What if, while talking to you, this woman (men don’t usually do this), begins to stroke their own …. arm? (Come on, lets keep this out of the gutter). If you’re a guy, then congratulations – you’ve scored because it is the womans way of subtley letting you know she wants you to touch her.

Arm Around The Chair

A classic for that first date at the cinema. I think it has happened to everyone at some point or another and doesn’t really need an explanation. But did you know if the arm is kept there, especially after a conversation has finished, it is a sure sign that the person is ‘marking his territory’. And we all agree it’s a much better way than a dog does it.

Leaning forward elbows on knees

By this, we mean from a sitting position; the person leans closer to you and rests their elbows on their knees. It’s another sign that someone is flirting with you. Only, with this signal you have to be careful they aren’t just hard of hearing.

Elbow Touching

Hmmm….Not quite exactly what I meant.

Being touched on this area means you’d better have ex-foliated all that hard skin away!

The elbow is a safe way for someone to show they like you and want your attention. Because the elbow isn’t classed an intimate part of the body, it is a subtle sign and if a stranger did it, we probably wouldn’t mind – unless it were in a darkened alley at the time.

Showing The Wrist or Forearm

This is a soft and vulnerable area of the body and classed as erotic. Usually a sign shown by the female when she is interested in dating.

So, what arm signs do you do when trying to show a person you like them? Are you even conscious you are doing it? Have you ever been aware of someone showing these signs to you? Let me know.

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Er, yep. I’ve got the ‘ump big time and my arms are tightly folded in front of my chest. There is no way I am budging on this one!

Or, are my arms folded tightly to my chest because it’s ten below freezing and I look like an icicle?

What exactly do the actions of our arms reveal about us?

How can we tell what someone is thinking by what their arms are doing?

Confident people sit and sprawl their arms out to make themselves a ‘big’ as possible while, when we feel bored or low we try to make ourselves seem ‘smaller’ by hiding our hands and keeping our arms tight to our body. Seems simple, right?

But is it?

Here’s one example where a movement can mean two different things.

Arms Crossed

Above we have two men, both with their arms crossed… And yet both portray a different ‘feel’.

Crossing arms is one way a writer could show a character as being upset or angry. Afterall, isn’t that the image we really conjure up when told someone has their arms crossed?

The man on the left looks how a reader may envisage this. But, the man on the right looks the complete opposite and appears very happy and relaxed.

If we take in to account ALL the other body language signs, smiles, eyes, stance, we can see two very different images.

Arms Crossed, Fists Clenched

Photo from Sapientology

Anyone feel like they’re about to be punched? No? Just me then.

Steven Aitchison puts this down to a behaviour mostly used by children who do not get what they want or are in trouble for something. We grown-ups tend to carry this trait through to adult life.

Hugging Yourself

Probably doesn’t come as much or a surprise that women often hug themselves and men usually don’t.

But why do we do this? Because we all want to feel comfortable and secure just like our parents made us feel when we were children?

Photo from Forbes

In public, or in large groups of people, we try to make our sense of unease or vulnerability less obvious. We do this with a partial hug: leaving one arm at our side while the other arm crosses our body to hold it.

One hug I think we all find distressing is seeing children hugging their knees. It depicts being scared, insecure, frightened….probably why it is so successful for charities.

Arm’s Behind The Head

Photo from Superstock

How confident and relaxed are you!

Lean back in that chair and watch as the others around you squirm and panic. Or, while sitting, stretch your arms out along the backs of the seats. How intimidating and amost always a stance adapted by men. But, is it a sign of being cocky or just feeling at ease?

In front of a group of strangers, then arguably ‘cocky’ springs to mind. But, if in the company of friends, this looks no more than a man feeling comfortable and at ease with his mates.

Raised Arms

This picture says it all. Hunky men are found on the beach….No, oh well.

We all throw our arms in the air when we have no worries, no fears or concerns, and basically are very, very happy with life.

Of course, some people do it when frustrated, but they usually have a pile of ripped papers in their hands at the time.

Now, throw your arms in the air and take a deep breath. See how you feel straight afterwards.

Next week, we’ll continue this and look at the arm signals used when flirting so you guys can head down to the nearest bar and try them out.

But for now, I want to know if you threw your arms in the air and how it made you feel. What other arm signals do you use (email all rude jokes to me directly) for your characters when writing? What do you feel are the obvious arm signals? What is your favorite arm signal? Jeez, I really am setting myself up for some naughty comments.

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Recently, I was researching something for a character of mine and I came across a really interesting article by Steven Aitchison. So, I quickly emailed and asked if he would be a guest blogger. And guess what, he was more than happy to.

Over to you, Steven:

Your eyes can tell a lot about you and tell others even more simply by the way you use them.  Eye communication is a great skill to have and eye contact is a great tool to master.  We all use it and we all give away vital clues as to what we are thinking with our eyes.

References are made to our eyes in everyday conversation such as ’she has bedroom eyes’, ‘don’t give me those puppy dog eyes’, ‘giving me the evil eye’ and many more such phrases.

If you can learn the skill of reading eye signals and mastering the art of using eye contact it can make a huge difference in your personal and business life.

The Pupils

Your pupils and the size of them will give away a lot of secrets, and it’s something we can’t do much about. The pupils will either constrict or dilate depending on our state of mind. If we are aroused by something, or someone, our pupils will dilate and if we are turned off by something or someone our pupils will constrict.

Skilled street traders across the world look for the size of the pupils when bartering with their customers. If a customer sees an object and their pupils are fully dilated, then the trader knows they can keep the price of the item at the higher end.

When we are excited by someone we like, our pupils will dilate, and when we are in the company of someone we don’t like, our pupils will constrict.

Take a look at these two photos. Which one do you prefer?


The first photo shows the pupils constricted and the second photo shows the pupils dilated. The one with the pupils dilated would normally be the one that people picked, as it is more seductive and deemed more attractive when the pupils are dilated.

Next time you are talking to someone pay attention to the size of their pupils, don’t go right up to their face and make a nuisance of yourself, but just casually watch the size of their pupils. This will tell you what excites them when they are talking, it might also tell you if they like you or not as we can rarely hide our emotions with our eyes.

Different Types of Eyes

Wandering Eyes

Have you ever noticed when you are talking to someone that their eyes are looking everywhere and not at you. This in itself is an obvious sign of distraction or boredom however, it also means that the person is looking for a way to get out of your space. Looking out a window when someone is talking to you could mean they would rather be outside.

If you do this, be careful of the signals you are giving to the other person, unless you specifically want them to know you don’t want to be with them.

angryWhen we are angry our eyes become narrower, brows are furrowed and our pupils constrict. It’s quite easy to tell if someone is angry when they have all of the above. what if they don’t show the above body language signals? Well, we have to look for other body language clues such as constriction of the lips, flared nostrils, staring, clenching of the jaw etc.

When you are speaking to someone who is displaying signs of anger you can either back down or stand up for yourself, depending on what the situation warrants.

If you stand up for yourself you should be holding eye gaze and not break it. This shows the other person that you are not intimidated by them. If you are the one to break eye contact in a heated argument you have all but lost the argument.

The Seductive Eyes

It’s quite easy to tell if someone likes us by the size of their pupils. In a well lit room, if you are speaking to someone face to face you can see the size of the other persons pupils. If the eyes start to dilate they are interested in what you have to say or they find you attractive.

seductive eyesHowever, this is not so true in a darkened room like a nightclub as the size of our pupils will dilate to let more light in, in order to see better in the darkened room. So be careful to read the signals correctly before making a fool of yourself.

There are other ways to seduce someone with your eyes. The classic Lady Diana look with her head down and eyes looking up was one of the reasons so many people warmed to her. This type of look makes the observer feel more maternal or paternal and also brings out the protector in men which made Lady Di more attractive.

Your Gaze

When we are talking to our friends and in social situations, and are looking and talking with another person for some time we unconsciously gaze at the persons face in a controlled manner. However, if we have lost confidence or we are not yet socially adept we can lose this ability.  Here is a quick guide on where to focus your gaze when talking to someone.

Social Gazing

When you are speaking in a social setting you don’t want to stare into someone’s eyes as this is a bit strange for someone to do, and a bit off-putting for the talker. To get over this, use a triangle approach. First look at one eye of the talker, then look at their mouth, briefly, and then move onto their other eye. This shows you are still interested in what they have to say as you have not looked away from their face.

The Flirty Gaze

When we flirt with each other the eyes still move in a triangular way but with more range, downwards. I know the women reading this will have experienced men who think you are talking from your breasts, which is quite disconcerting, and I’ll explain a possible reason for this, apart from the obvious. However, we all do it, men and women, only women are better at it.

It has been shown that when we are walking toward each other from a distance, men and women, automatically check each other from head to foot. First time to check the sex of the person and second time to check the sexiness of the person.

Men are more likely to get caught checking out a females body, rather than looking them in the eye, because they have less peripheral vision than women. Women can look you in the face but still look at your body  because their peripheral vision is much better.

Our eyes contain two types of photo-receptors; rods and cones. Rods are responsible for scotopic vision, dark adapted vision. They also predominate the peripheral vision and women have more rods in their eyes than men do; hence why they have better peripheral vision and are better at seeing in the dark.

The Controlling Gaze

If you are looking to intimidate someone when you are talking to them, or are trying to control the conversation look at the area known as ‘the third eye’ which is the spot just between the eyebrows.

Many men do this to try and intimidate the people they are talking to and to try and control a conversation.

Can you tell if someone is lying with their eye movements?

Short answer to that is no. However, by looking at other body language signals and looking at their eyes you can get a good idea if someone is lying or not.

With the work of Bandler and Grinder and their excellent work on NLP we have an idea of how our eye movements relate to how we access information from the brain, which can help to tell is someone is lying or not.

Visual Accessing cues

(VC) Visual Construction: Looking up and to the left. The person is accessing information from their imagination andmight possibly be making it up. For example, if you asked someone what their dream home would look like they would, more than likely, look up and to their left.

If someone is lying about something and making stories up they might be using this eye movement.

(VR) Visual Remembering: Looking up and to the right.  This is when we are actually accessing a memory and picturing it in our heads.  It is more than likely that this is a memory that actually happened.  Ask your friend what they had for dinner yesterday and they will most likely look up and to the right.

(AC) Auditory Construction: Looking middle and to the left. This is where our eyes might go if we were constructing a sound in our mind.  For example if you asked a friend to think of what their voice will sound like when they are 80 years old, they would more than likely look in this direction.

(AR) Auditory Remembering:
Looking middle and to the right.  This is where our eyes might go if you were remembering a sound that you have heard before.  For example ask your friend what the sound of their partner sounds like and they will more than likely look in this direction.

(K) Kinesthetic: Looking down and to the left.  This is the direction your eyes might go if you were accessing your actual feelings about something.  For example, if you ask a friend about their feelings on the issues of capital punishment their eyes might go in this direction.

(AD) Auditory Digital: Looking down and to the right.  This is the direction our eyes might go when we are talking to ourselves.  We do this all the time and it is called self talk.  Believe it or not we talk to ourselves a lot and we can learn a lot about ourselves by paying attention to our self talk, but that is for another article.

The information above represents the majority of people, but it may  be different for some.  However, it is still possible to work out a persons representational system by observing them when you ask them questions.

Using the information above should get you started on the road to being able to read people using their eyes as signals. Remember, as with all body language signals, that they should be read together and not separately.

About Steven Aitchison

I am the creator of Change Your Thoughts (CYT) blog and love writing and speaking about personal development, it truly is my passion. There are over 500 articles on this site from myself and some great guest posters.

If you want to learn more about my products you can check out CYTGuides.com or check out my books and Kindle books on Amazon

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So, writers. Do you use these signs when writing your characters? Did you even know what most of them meant? Do you look for these signs when speaking to others?

If you want more of me, try checking out: FacebookTwitterGoogle+InstagramYou Tube, and Linkedin.

Join my email list and be first to hear about upcoming releases and offers.

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