I’ve been away from my blog for what seems ages. But I do have good reason. I’ve been in Texas, working.
Honest, I have. And here are the pictures to prove it.
First, you find an awesome group of friends. Above, I’m with the adorable, Jenny Hansen, best room-mate ever, Piper Bayard, my gorgeous twin, Ingrid Schaffenburg, and the Godmother of us all, Kristen Lamb. This picture was taken after a long and stressful dinner with NYT Bestseller, James Rollins, and a ton of other people. (I think Nigel Blackwell is taking the picture and bitching at the amount of time we took to say goodbye to each other).
Then, we invaded Lamb Ranch to do a little character R and R. Originally, my antagonist was a mild mannered gal whose only crime was to return her library books back two days late. Kristen ripped her apart and turned her into the Terminator’s ‘Sarah Connor’. Can you spot the difference?
Piper and I became so obsessed by our characters, we shot up the place.
We thought I’d missed the tin can….then on closer inspection found I’d hit it with every shot. 🙂
Afterwards, we went riding on the ATV’s at night across snake infested land…. just ’cause we’re hard as nails.
Unfortunately, it was all too much for Spawn. He may need a few more years training…..
So, back to business. How to hook an agent the ‘SOO’ Publishing way.
N.B. For those who haven’t been following my Facebook page, and I will shoot you later, ‘SOO’ stands for ‘Squeeze One Out’ – a term I used while stormchasing when wanting a wee or tinkle as the Americans like to put it. Unfortunately, to the Americans it means ‘No.2’ and I was saying it every time we stopped for gas – which averaged ten times a day five days of the week. No wonder they looked at me a little weird. ‘SOO’ Publishing will publish any novel…… as long as it’s c**p.
Right, the tried and tested way on how to snag that all important literary agent.
1. Gate-crash a writing conference party. The DFW Writers Convention is excellent!
2. Along with a friend (I recommend Jillian Dodd), find a likely male candidate. The more vulnerable he looks, the better. For the purpose of this blog and because I don’t relish a law suit, our agents name will be kept a secret 🙂
3. Start a conversation to break the ice. We began with the very boring, “so, what genre do your represent?”
4. Then make it more personal. We used questions like, “what are the names of your mum and dad?” and “what is your inside leg measurement?”
5. You’re almost best friends at this point so go for broke. Ask about his Abs and whether you can take a picture. If their face begins to redden, offer to do this in a secluded corner of the room.
6. Then, lure him back to a hotel room and ply him with drink.
You will have an agent for your novel by the end of the night – Guaranteed! If not, don’t untie him just yet. Take further pictures, if you know what I mean. It will help your cause immensely and he will cave in to your demands by morning.
If you’d prefer to take a more serious route, (you boring lot), then check out these posts:
Ingrid Schaffenburg’s Top Five Lessons from DFWCon,
Jess Witkins Celebrating her Writing Slump,
David Walker’s take on the DFW Convention
Julie Glover’s Ten Things to do at a Writing Conference
Tiffany A White’s What Writers Really Do at Conferences (apart from the above)
Jenny Hansen’s DFW Con and the Flu…Oh My!
And, Julie Glover’s Vlog – you can see us in the background, plotting.
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Love it… but your gun skills need a bit of work x :))
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LOL. That is only the second time I’ve held and shot a gun. I’m a bad-ass…hence my nickname ‘Kickass’ 🙂
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[…] The brilliant Donna Newton, best DFW Writers Conference roommate ever, got some great pictures and video. I was most impressed with her shooting. She has a video of her second time out. Second time in her whole life, that is. (She lives in the UK. They don’t trust their citizens with guns over there so responsible adults have to come to the US to be treated like responsible adults. Yes. That was a gun control dig.) Anyway, Donna earned the nickname Kickass when I took her shooting. She was at 15 yards from the big jug at the beginning and about 20 yards from the can at the end. These are shots most people can’t make with a pistol without some practice, and many can’t make ever. Donna Newton’s How to Hook an Agent….The ‘SOO’ Publishing Way. […]
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LOL. The one thing I’m good at and I cannot do it in England 😦
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You started with, “What genre do you represent?” I started with, “You have a GREAT voice.” LOL
Poor guy never had a chance…. and somehow, he loved it! 🙂
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We gave him a three second window to ‘escape’. He replied that he was safer where he was! Lol.
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I would have thought you could count to three (end of post). Maybe it’s different in England.
Poor agent! No man could resist you and Jill together. Wow!
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BTW, thanks for the mention.
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LOL. I’ll change that ‘two’ to a ‘three’ when I have a minute. Trust you to notice it 🙂
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It wasn’t your inside leg, it was your INNER LEG measurement. And that is seriously probably THE best way ever to get an agent. I also thought “We rescued you” was pretty good too. He did say he had abs. You never did send me the picture you took of them!!
Had a wonderful, hilarious time meeting and spending time with you and everyone at the conference!!
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I don’t have any pictures. I may request some via Facebook 🙂
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Bitching about the amount of time it took you to say goodbye? Nooooooooooo. I gave up bitching on the first day. The second day I was just complaining a little, then as the sun set I was beginning to call my patch of ground outside the restaurant “home.”
Your guns skills are better than your “right” skills 🙂
It was fun, can’t wait for next year!
Cheers
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You do exaggerate. It only took a little over an hour to say goodbye 🙂
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Yeah, but then it took two more to decide what you were doing tomorrow… 😀
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That’s nothing. We totally rushed. 🙂
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It was marvelous to meet you at DFWCon! I never thought to ask about agent abs. Perhaps that should be a workshop next year: Show Us Your Abs, We’ll Show You Our Manuscript! I’m still miffed that I have yet to fire a real gun, and here am I Texan-through-and-through. Nice shots, Donna!
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Lol. Julie, we could run a Gong Show in reverse. Agents show their Abs and the attendees gong out who they don’t like!
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Thanks for including my Vlog! I wanted to pan around to all of my fabulous conference friends, but my camera ran out of memory space! LOL. (You could also vlog on abs next year. You’d probably get a lot of hits on that topic.)
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How about you vlog on the abs and I just lift the shirts? 🙂
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DEAL!
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What a riot! You are one of the sweetest and funniest people I’ve met, Donna. I hope the poor agent you trapped doesn’t see this, but if so it was all pretty fun. We had some of the strangest conversations, but everyone knew we were the fun table. 😀
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Oh, he’s seen it. He’s already tweeted me, lol.
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LMAO!!! He tweeted you??!
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LOL. Yeah. I told him he’d now outed himself and was going to be hounded at future conferences by wannabe writers armed with rope, booze, and a camera 🙂
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Lol! Can’t stop laughing! Thanks for the trip down memory lane 🙂 I’m wanna go back!
Awesome shot by the way 😉 Next time I’ll have a functioning hand and will be right there with ya.
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Lol. I can’t wait! Two twin cowgirls together. Texas will easily cope with us…New York on the other hand won’t know what’s hit them 🙂
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YES! I can’t wait!!
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Will have to think up some new material though 🙂
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Hmmm…Gate-crashing. Now that you mention it, I did wonder. Seemed like I saw a lot of faces at the Friday reception who weren’t workshop members. 😉
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Lol. We were invited, V.I.P. like 🙂
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Ahh, were you a speaker this year and I missed out? I’m sad I didn’t get to meet you! Next year? Thanks for the post.
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No, not a speaker. But I plan on returning next year so will keep an eye out for you 🙂
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Yay! So cool–look forward to meeting you for reals!! 🙂
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You’re on!
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Hi. I’m glad you did well your second time out.
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I totally loved it. I can’t do anything like this in the UK and there are no gun clubs – well, none that I can find. Piper is awesome!
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OMG, I came home with the flu!!! I’m just now getting back in the swing of things and I LOVE this post. 🙂
It’s a ‘winner!’
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You poor little luvvie. Tell the flu to politely sod off! and get well quickly 🙂 xxx
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[…] think Donna Newton’s post explains our ranch hijinks the best, as does the photo below. Donna (aka “Kickass) – […]
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You were awesome! I wish I could claim to be your teacher, but you’re a natural, and I had nothing to do with it. Come visit and we’ll go shooting. 🙂
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I’m hopping on a plane right now! 🙂
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[…] Newton makes me kick myself in How to Hook an Agent…The ‘SOO’ Publishing Way. How has this Brit managed to shoot so much stuff when I (a born-and-bred Texan) have yet to meet […]
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You are hilarious! Looks like you all had a great time. I hope you go next year because I’m definitely going to be there and I simply MUST meet you!
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Oh, I’ll be there, Tameri. It’s the only time I get to shoot guns and eat at Joe T’s!
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You do make me laugh – do you think I should use your approach on unsuspecting bride & grooms? Worth a try now where is the nearest wedding show!
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I definitely think you should adapt our approach…. Although, maybe only on the grooms 🙂
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[…] [For evidence, head to Donna's blog post about the week's adventures HERE.] […]
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[…] [For evidence, head to Donna's blog post about the week's adventures HERE.] […]
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